


not as planned

by homosexualhitoka



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crushes, F/F, Fluff, LGBT Themes, OOC, Romance, Snippets, bisexual shimizu, not sure yachi, pansexual yamaguchi, self discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:24:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homosexualhitoka/pseuds/homosexualhitoka
Summary: Hitoka had never really liked boys. For a long time, she didn't know what that meant.





	not as planned

**Author's Note:**

> i am basically projecting onto yachi here lmao sorry

Ever since Hitoka could remember, she had only really liked girls. Even as a child, she never had a crush on a boy. They were too loud and she was often scared of them. Sure, they could make great friends, but she was just never attracted to them, even aesthetically.

 

Girls, however, were the opposite. They were usually so sweet, with soft hands and nice smelling perfume and cute hair and they always made Hitoka feel...odd. For a long time, Hitoka didn't know what that feeling was. These feelings were never mentioned in her house. Her mother had never sat her down to tell her what a crush was, so for the first eleven years of her life, she was left clueless to her own emotions.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hitoka was eleven years old when she realized that what she was feeling was a squish or a crush. There was a project in science class, about something or other that Hitoka didn't remember at this point. She didn't pay much attention anyway. Not when she had her partner as a partner. Hitoka didn't know her very well; she had always sat across from her in class. Hitoka was...confused, to say the least. At first, she was relieved and ecstatic to be paired with her. All she really knew was that she was quiet and got good grades. Hopefully, he wouldn't make Hitoka do all of the work. However, as soon as she sat down next to her, things went south.

 

Hitoka has always been a nervous person, so stuttering or shaking was pretty normal. However, these things became more frequent right off the bat. Her hands were sweatier than they had ever been, she could feel her face heat whenever her partner even looked at her, and she stuttered anytime she even tried to talk. She was utterly and completely petrified.

 

Watching her hands write down notes and paragraphs and seeing her long, pale fingers, nails painted meticulously, perfectly, made Hitoka wish that time would stop so she could just sit and watch as much as she wanted. Listening to her sweet voice, smooth and without stutter, made Hitoka’s head swim. She was sure that if she told Hitoka to do jump off a building with that melodic voice of hers, she'd do it in an instant. She wouldn't even think twice. Even casual things that Hitoka did herself seemed to be like a piece of artwork now. Like a painting you'd pass at a museum or stare at for hours.

 

Hitoka’s heart was going to jump out of her chest at this point. Every time she saw a hand tuck long, soft hair behind an ear or she saw her push her glasses farther up her nose in her peripheral, her heart would speed up.

 

Luckily, no one seemed to notice whatever was going on with Hitoka. No one noticed that suddenly instead of the shy girl sat at the desk in the second row from the front of the class was replaced with a tomato. No one noticed the dreamy look in her eye that seemed to be constant now. No one noticed anything.

 

When the project was over and turned in, Hitoka wasn't sure to be relieved or sad. She was sad that she wouldn't get to see her partner as much anymore and probably wouldn't talk to her out of class anymore. She was relieved that hopefully the strange feeling, whenever she was around, would go away. Everything would be normal again.

 

After about a week after the project, Hitoka found herself being even more perplexed. Instead of going away, the feeling almost intensified. She was understandably confused, as she had never really felt..whatever this was. So she did what she thought was smart. She got on the computer.

 

She typed in what was happening and got an answer she wasn’t sure was quite right. She couldn't be romantically attracted to a girl, could she? That didn't seem to be a thing that happened. If anything, this confused her more. She took a deep breath and searched for another thing. Could a girl have a crush on a girl?

 

She stared at the screen, seeing her answer. This brought her to a topic. She looked over her shoulder, nervous that her mom would pop up behind her, even though she knew that her mom would not be home until later. She took another deep breath and she read on this new information. This gave her a new conclusion.

 

Homosexuality. Or bisexuality, or lots of other things, apparently. Wow. When a person of one sex is attracted to a member of the same sex, or both if the person is bisexual. Or they could be attracted to every gender. What? Hitoka was still confused, but she felt the tension melt from her shoulders, replaced with a new curiosity. She wasn't weird. Or abnormal. She wasn't alone in feeling her face hear when a girl smiled at her. There were other people like her. Hitoka had a lot to learn. It wasn't until her mother got home that night that Hitoka turned off the computer. Of course, that was after she erased the history.

 

She didn't know her label yet. She only knew that she liked girls. And that was okay. She wasn't ready to identify as something specific. She could take baby steps. That was okay. She went to sleep that night easily, knowing that she was okay and valid. What she had been feeling was alright.

 

To this day, Madoka does not know about her daughter’s sexuality. Hitoka simply didn't know how to bring it up. It seemed that any introduction was awkward and stiff, too formal, too risky to even think about saying to her mother. It wasn't that Hitoka didn't think her mother wouldn’t accept her. She was sure she would, eventually. She'd probably have to get used to it, and that was okay. She probably wouldn't know how to deal with it or even consider her daughter as anything other than straight. She would respect it. Madoka loved Hitoka, and Hitoka being something other than straight wouldn't change that.

 

* * *

 

Hitoka's first kiss did not go as expected. It was simple. She was 13 and it was behind the school with a girl she didn't really know. She was a bit disappointed, actually. It wasn't as magic as she wanted it to be. There were no fireworks. She wanted it to be with someone she knew, at least. This was okay. She didn't mind it. The girl smelled like sugar and flowers and her chapstick tasted like something fruity. All Hitoka remembers after that is the girl explaining that she had been dared to, and then running off in embarrassment. She doesn't have another kiss until years later.

 

* * *

 

 

Then Hitoka started to attend Karasuno. A school full of very tall boys and cute girls with cute uniforms. The school seemed to be a good place to get a good education. She was confident that she would make friends here. Well. The first month was a bit lonely. Hitoka naturally attracted people, as she was kind and unintimidating. She had a lot of acquaintances, but not many close friends. But that was okay. She was still sure she'd make friends. She was flirted with a bit, as boys tended to find her cute, but she brushed them off kindly and there was no trouble there.

 

The girls were amazing, too. They had soft smiles and cute hair and always looked pretty in the uniform that Hitoka couldn't seem to pull off. Their compliments were always so nice and made Hitoka melt into a happy puddle of goo. There were the loud ones with sharp words and busy social lives and bright, energetic smiles and booming voices that made Hitoka a bit nervous and if she was in the wrong mood, scared. There were the bookish ones with intelligent stares and large vocabularies that would intimidate Hitoka but still make her blush. There were sweet ones with soft cheeks and warm smiles and kind words whenever Hitoka was feeling particularly anxious or worried. There were fun ones with springs in their shoes and glittering eyes and squeaky voices. Hitoka thinks she's found her favorite though.

 

Shimizu Kiyoko. So of course, Hitoka’s high school life changed for good when she was approached by her in the hallway in between classes. She was focused on how soft her hair looked, or how smooth her lips would feel, or how pretty her eyes were, or how the mole by her mouth was the sexiest thing she’d ever seen. If Hitoka thought she had a crush before, this was a massacre. The only issue with having a crush on Shimizu was that almost everyone else did too. Everyone was staring at her at all times. Hitoka had seen her in the halls before, but she had never had the privilege of talking to her he could see why everyone had a crush on her.

 

Suddenly, Shimizu’s voice interrupted her revery. “So what do you think? Would you at least come by to observe?” She asked. Hitoka blanked. She didn't have a clue about what she was talking about. Before she could stop herself, she felt herself answer.

 

“Huh? Oh! Uh! Sure!” Apparently, that was the correct answer, because Shimizu’s face lit up. She looked shocked for some reason, but, of course, Hitoka didn't know why. Shimizu’s eyes widened and her cheeks flushed. She then suddenly grabbed Hitoka's hands in both of hers. They were so soft. Hitoka jumped, startled.

 

“You will?! Thank you, I'll come get you after class, okay?” With that, she let go of Hitoka's hands and disappeared down the hall, leaving Hitoka shocked and confused in the corridor.

 

As soon as she was in the doorway, Hitoka knew she had made a big mistake. She stood behind Shimizu, shaking. Oh god! They were all so _tall!_ Hitoka felt so tiny. She knew she was short, but this was ridiculous! Most of them were at least a head taller than her, the tallest one was probably more than two! Away from the height, they were all so loud! She could feel herself begin to shake, sweat gathering on her forehead.

 

Two very energetic boys approached them. “Huh? What's this? Something up?” They asked. Hitoka wasn't comforted by the fact that one of them, the one who had a weird streak of blond hair, wasn't that much taller than her.

 

“Erm. She’all be joining us on a trial basis as a potential new manager. “ Shimizu told them. Hitoka gulped, gathering as much bravery as she could.

 

“Um! My name is Yachi Hitoka!” Suddenly they all crowded around her, several of them asking questions. Some of them looked nice enough, but she was still absolutely petrified.

 

One of the tallest boys loomed over her. “Are you a first year?” He asked. Oh God! He had to be taller than two meters! He was terrifying! He looked so much older than her too! Hitoka let out a squeak.

 

“Sir, yes, sir I'm in class 2-5, sir!” She yelped and the third year backed up after one of the more mature looking ones, a boy with a square face, put his arm in front of the giant.

 

“Asahi, back off. Let the poor girl breathe!” Hitoka flinched, feeling somewhat comforted and somewhat humiliated at the treatment.

 

The two from earlier stared at her from behind a kinder looking one. They were so creepy! The kind looking one looked confused at her quivering and staring behind him before he turned around and slammed his hands into their faces. Yachi sweated and hyperventilated. They were violent too?!

 

The others chatted excitedly while Shimizu tried to calm them nervously. “I asked her to come for a few minutes today before she had her class representatives meeting. She's only here to say hi.” Shimizu broke in.

 

Hitoka bowed. “It’s n-nice to meet you all!” She stuttered out nervously. The others bowed back, echoing what she had said, a lot smoother. She walked out, glanced left and right, and darted away. She didn't want to risk being killed by Shimizu’s secret fan-club.

 

* * *

 

 

With the months that followed, Hitoka made many friends because of the Karasuno volleyball team. They weren't as scary as they all looked. Even Asahi wasn’t as terrifying. He was just as anxious as her! Hinata and Kageyama were very nice and she enjoyed helping them and spending time with them. Tsukishima could be very funny, even if it was mean. Tanaka-San and Noya-San were a bit overwhelming at worst, but they normally were very kind and funny. Suga-San was quiet and was nice, as was Daichi-San. The other second years were funny and helped her with her homework if she needed it.

 

Still, she was closest to Shimizu, since she was always with her during practice. So they talked a lot. She hadn’t seen Shimizu outside of school yet, but they had exchanged emails and phone numbers. She was terrified that she was going to mess up with Shimizu. She was sure it would happen. If she knew how Hitoka felt, she would certainly be less friendly to her. But for now, this was okay. Sitting next to her, standing with her, exchanging the occasional emails…this was enough.

 

 

* * *

 

 The first person she comes out to is Yamaguchi. Out of the first years, she was closest to him. He was wonderfully ordinary. He wasn't too loud, too smart, too intimidating, or too mean. He was gentle and quiet at most times. Hitoka thinks that he could potentially be a best friend if she gives it time. He was perfect for her.

 

He was over at her house after school. They sat on her floor and did their homework. It was quiet, except for the occasional exchange of words when one person needed help. Hitoka rehearsed what she was going to say over and over, making sure it was passive and polite. Yamaguchi was safe, she didn't need to worry. she took a deep breath.

 

“H-hey, Yamaguchi?” She asked.

 

“Hm?” He looked at her. “Do you need help with something?”

 

Hitoka shook her head and clenched her fists nervously. “I want to tell you something. “

 

Yamaguchi tilted his head. “Yeah?”

 

“...I like girls, “ she said slowly. Yamaguchi nodded.

 

“Okay. What do you identify as?” He asked curiously.

 

Hitoka gulped. “..I'm not sure, “ she admitted.

 

“That's okay. “

 

“Thank you for accepting me, Yamaguchi-kun!” Hitoka said, relieved.

 

“It would be odd if I didn't...I'm pansexual. “ he told her.

 

“Oh!” Hitoka said. “Cool!” Yamaguchi smiled.

 

For the first time in a long time, Hitoka felt secure about her sexuality.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Hitoka didn't come out to Shimizu the way she had always wanted to. She definitely didn't think Shimizu would come out to her first. She had planned to break it to her gently, to say it the same way she had with Yamaguchi. But it went..very different.

 

She was sitting on Shimizu’s bed, looking around her bedroom. It was the first time she had been at Shimizu’s house, and it was great. Her room was nice, organized, and very pretty. There was a desk, which Shimizu was sitting at, there were shelves that were filled with books, and the walls had several pictures hung or taped to them.

 

Most of the pictures were easy to identify. Team members, friends from school, family members. However, there was one picture she was confused about. It was of Shimizu and another girl, one that she didn't recognize. Hitoka’s curiosity got the best of her and she felt herself break the comfortable silence.

 

“Who's that?” She asked, pointing to the picture. Shimizu looked up from whatever she was doing, finding what she was talking about.

 

“Oh, her? She's a family friend. We dated for a little bit” her gaze went back to the desk. “She moved away recently. So we broke up. It ended on good terms so I haven't taken the pictures down. “

 

Hitoka's eyes widened. “Huh?” She asked, not sure if she was hearing what she was hearing.

 

Shimizu’s eyes narrowed and her brows furrowed. “Hitoka-chan, do you have a problem with that?” She asked suspiciously.

 

Hitoka paled and waved her hands, shaking her head frantically. “N-no! I was just surprised, I'm sorry!”

 

Shimizu’s gaze softened and she smiled. “It's okay. I was worried for a second. Not everyone can accept it. “ she said. “I like having you as a friend, I was scared you were..uncomfortable.”

 

Hitoka blushed and smiled. “N-no...I like girls too, “ she told her nervously.

 

Shimizu raised her eyebrows. “Oh. I'm bisexual, “ she said.

 

Hitoka shrugged. “I'm not sure what I am. “ Shimizu nodded.

 

“That's perfectly okay. You don't need to label yourself to explain yourself, “ she said. “You've got all the time in the world to figure that out. “

 

Hitoka giggled. “You sound like a mom. “

 

“I am a mom. “

 

“Sure. “

 

Hitoka should have been happy that the girl she had a crush on liked girls as well, but if anything, Hitoka felt hopeless. She couldn't say ‘oh, she doesn't like me like that because she’s straight. ‘ she had to say ‘oh, she doesn't like me because she doesn't like me’. Hitoka wanted Shimizu to like her. Desperately. She wanted to sit in Shimizu’s bed more and watch her read at her desk and listen to her talk. She wanted to be able to watch her and admire her and not have to be scared to be caught. She wanted to hold her hands and play with her hair and she wanted a lot of things. Things that she would never get.

 

* * *

 

 

Hitoka never thought that she'd make the first move when it came to dating. Especially when it came to Shimizu. Hitoka never even thought she'd have a chance with Shimizu. Life always seems to surprise her.

 

To be honest, Hitoka didn't even think what they were doing counted as a date. Even if she had gone with Hinata, she wouldn't be scared that it was gonna be seen as a date. It was just the movies, you know? She had two tickets to a new horror movie during the weekend. She invited Hinata because she knew she hadn't had the chance to hang out with him other than studying. And he was so bright and happy that if she got scared during the movie she'd know she'd be fine. Hitoka was pretty excited about it, actually. She hardly ever went to the movies, so it was a treat. That was, until earlier that day, Hinata canceled.

 

Not that she blamed him. It was still pretty early in the morning, enough to where most people would be done with breakfast but early to where some people were still in bed. It was a weekend, anyway. Hinata had called her, sounding panicky. “Yachi-San!” He whined loudly. Hitoka flinched.

 

“Hinata? What's wrong?” She asked.

 

“I'm so sorry, but I can't go tonight! My mom is working later and I have to watch Natsu!” He wailed.

 

Hitoka smiled sadly. “That's okay, you couldn't really control that. We can always hang out another time. “

 

“But I was really excited about the movie!” He complained. She felt a little bad. He sounded genuinely sorry that he couldn't go.

 

“I'm sorry! You can always watch it when it's not in the theaters, “ she said, trying to console him.

 

“True,” he said in the same whiny tone.

 

“Don't worry about it, I'll just get Yamaguchi to go or something. “ Hitoka admitted.

 

“Okay!”

 

“Bye!”

 

“Bye! Sorry again!”

 

Hitoka hung up, panic now setting into her chest. Oh no. She'd have to call someone. And make plans this quick. Oh no. Oh no. Who was she going to call? It couldn't be Kageyama, they weren't close enough. Couldn't be Tsukishima for the same reason. That only left Yamaguchi. That would be okay. She could call Yamaguchi.

 

She took a deep breath to avoid panicking and called him quickly. She had to get this over with or she would freak out. She waitEd anxiously as the phone rang. Luckily, he answered pretty quickly.

 

“Hello? Yachi-San?” He asked. “Is something wrong?”

 

“Hey, Yamaguchi-kun. Is this a good time?” She asked.

 

“Sure!” He said, and she could hear his smile.

 

“Sorry for such short notice, but could you come to the movies with me tonight? I was going to go with Hinata but he got busy. “

 

“Sorry, I would love to, but I already have plans. “

 

Hitoka felt herself become more anxious and she tried to calm down. “That's okay, Yama! I'll see who else I can get to come with me. “

 

“You could call Kiyoko-San? Aren't you close?”

 

 

Hitoka bit her lip. “I dunno...I don't wanna call her. “

 

“I believe in you, Yachi! I bet you can do it!”

 

Hitoka smiled nervously. “Thank you, Yamaguchi! I'll go..do that. “

 

“Good luck!”

 

Hitoka hung up and sighed, then hurriediand called Shimizu before she could scare herself.

She held her breath while she waited for her to pick up.

 

“Hitoka-chan!” Shimizu said cheerfully. “What's up?”

 

“Do you wanna go see a movie tonight?” Hitoka said, being as brave as she could.

 

“Sure. That sounds very nice. What movie is it?”

 

“It's a horror film. I don't remember what it's called but it's supposed to be really good. It starts at seven. “

 

"Okay. I'll meet you there. “

 

Hitoka smiled, relieved that it was that easy. “I'll see you then, “ she said and hung up.

 

For the rest of the day, she was very excited. To the point where she couldn't really contain it. She ate lunch, did her homework, and even cleaned her room in hopes of getting out her energy. She was still so impatient.

 

She got dressed at five. She wore a sweater and shorts. She wanted to come off as pretty casual, but still well put together. She put her hair up in the usual way she did. She sat on her bed until she went to catch the train that got her closest to the movie theater.

 

Once she got there, she texted Shimizu.

 

_**sent to shimizu:** _

 

_text me when you get here!_

 

_**sent from shimizu:** _

 

_ok :)_

 

Ten minutes later, Shimizu texted her that she was there. Hitoka looked around, trying to see if she could spot her. It wasn't too hard to find her.

 

“Shimizu-San!” She called, waving her arm as she hurried to her, trying to catch her attention.

 

Shimizu saw her and smiled. “Hitoka-chan!” She said brightly. Hitoka smiled at her and handed her her ticket. “Thank you for inviting me. I'll buy the popcorn. “

 

“Thank you!”

 

They turned in their tickets and went inside the theater. Shimizu bought the popcorn and a drink for them to share. After that, they headed into the theater.

 

Sadly, it was a lot scarier than Hitoka expected. Every time there was a jumpscare or creepy scene, she jumped and yelped. Even Shimizu seemed pretty creeped out, gasping every now and then.

 

About half an hour into the movie, Hitoka felt a hand grip hers. She glanced at Shimizu and Shimizu flashed a smile at her before going back to the movie. Hitoka blushed, glad that it was dark. She leaned on Shimizu’s shoulder nervously and Shimizu shifted to make a little more comfortable for the two of them. Now every time that something in the movie made them jump, they squeezed each other's hand and comforted each other.

 

* * *

 

 

To say Hitoka was confused by the end of the night would be an understatement. She was perplexed. Shimizu had let her lean on her and held her hand. Shimizu had never really come off as cuddly. So Hitoka didn't know what this meant. Of course, this could've been completely platonic, but she doubted it. So, it seemed that if someone was gonna bring it up it had to be her.

 

Hitoka rehearsed what she was going to say over and over again as she walked with Shimizu to the train station. Before they parted ways she grabbed Shimizu’s wrist. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “S-shimizu-san..will you be my girlfriend?” She asked quickly. Shimizu looked confused for a second before smiling gently.

 

“Of course, Hitoka. I'd love to. And please, call me Kiyoko. “

 

Hitoka blushed. “Okay, Kiyoko,” she said, beaming. She was breathless as she watched Kiyoko walk away.

 

* * *

 

 Life didn't go the way Hitoka thought it would. That was okay. Life was good. Hitoka was happy. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably really stiff and ooc because this is my first work in this fandom so i don't know how to write any of the characters. I'll get better, i promise. drop a comment and a kudos and hmu at gayyachi on instagram


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